Very straightforward:

Look here: http://ukinspain.fco.gov.uk/en/passports/applying-spain-portugal

You need to fill in the documents as described, get someone of 'suitable standing', a hairdresser or builder who was once a bank manager/doctor for example, that you have known for 2 days at least - sorry, meant to say 2 years, send it off with your credit card details so they can extract the extortionate fee from you, including the courier fee so it is delivered to you at your door. You need to provide a real address as they don't deliver to post boxes (APTDO de Correos) for security reasons.

You then wait for the bloke from DHL to call you and you go and meet him outside LIDL to collect it, or you could send someone else as he really doesn't care who it is or where you live.

Nigel

Please take note of the restrictions regarding photography of your face.  They are very hot on this unless you are a Nigerian from Yemen with peculiar underpants who is a known suspect in which event a wax crayon drawing of the bloke next door's cat will probably suffice.

As regards the idle sod from DHL I suggest you put a covering note with the application reminding the authorities to whom you have paid a small fortune that doorstep delivery is included and that you understand he fails regularly on this front.